We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
