Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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