Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
