Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
