I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
