I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
