Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
