it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
