Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
