worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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