before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
