guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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