She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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