I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
