i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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