I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
