i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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