I think I won the penis lottery.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
soo... how was my night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
