Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
