I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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