I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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