The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
