foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I want her autograph on my taint
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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