i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
