My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
