I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
