i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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