Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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