How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
