Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
