It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
