You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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