I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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