She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
