it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
