yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
