Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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