The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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