yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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