i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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