I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
