sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
