Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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