im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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