I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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