If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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