Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
