genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
