My nipple is on Facebook.
My liver just broke up with me...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Two words: blizzard sex
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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