i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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