capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
